At the restaurant: men who hurt my gastrofighettism

2023 Author: Cody Thornton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-24 11:20

Eventually you grabbed the chicken and you're on to yours first date at the restaurant.

Too bad that "he" is any chicken, with no particular tics related to the world of food, while you, on the other hand, are a gastro-gourmet, you are pathologically obsessed with cleanliness and practically almost vegan.

Certainly not out of ethics, because deep down you have an asshole soul, but because you are disgusted by the mere thought of eating meat, entrails, guts, tripe, tongues, brains and the like.

Besides, you hate fish, especially molluscs.

Having said that, for you, an invitation to a restaurant can turn from a pleasant evening into a real nightmare if, in addition to your phobias, you also put the chicken on duty.

So let's see what are the behaviors that could make you decide to drop everything there, go home and stick to the packet of chips.

1. They are happy with any table where they slam you, that is, they place you

In general, when you enter the waiters of the lower-middle-range clubs, they unceremoniously slam you into the first free table that happens to them, when it is good, or in the one where you are less of a nuisance in their flying between the tables when it goes badly.

Too bad that often this table corresponds to the one that is in the middle of the current or near the service door or the entrance, with relative drafts.

Here, your companion does not give a damn about your (right) grievances and leaves you the thankless task of making an unpleasant and pain in the ass by asking for a better table. And he is the one of the poor tapino who bears a harpy that doesn't like anything.

Ten points less.

2. He insists on letting you taste the dishes he likes

Of course, the poor man is armed with good intentions and wants to make a good impression, the figure of the gastrofighetto, and he insists on recommending beasts such as lobsters, crabs, raw fish and company, which you hate cordially just from the sight.

And he looks at you smugly when you confess that yes, you are a food fanatic but much more than baked pasta and pizza, and much less than cooked animals.

And when you tell him these tastes of yours he comes up with an "Ah, but then you are vegan!", Not passing through the hall of his brain that one might not like a food of animal origin only for sinister reasons of taste, and not of ethics.

Moreover, he calls you vegan with impunity, and you cannot tolerate this

3. He is the vegan

And it is also a nuisance. It soaks the air, the environment and the atmosphere with its pseudo-scientific dissertations, taken from the net and shoots the lecture on the poor beasts, the environment, the atmospheric pollution that now even the walls know about memory.

To which, you take your smartphone and shove Cruciani videos under his nose while he wields a salami or tastes a rabbit live, making him get up from the table leaving you in disgust: if it has to happen, it better happen now.

4. Forces you to have conversation while the pizza cools

Although you are no longer teenagers with the first crush who are embarrassed to chew on each other, he feels compelled to show aristocratic contempt for food and continues to talk.

You, on the other hand, are (so to speak) old foxes who want to eat pizza in peace without having to pontificate on the evils of the world just as the mozzarella is irremediably hardening.

So you let him chatter and continue to eat, without any restraint and at a good pace, although always politely, with your mouth closed and without chewing noise.

What if he eats it, cold pizza.

5. Doesn't let you control your smartphone alone

As soon as you take your smartphone to take a picture of the plate on duty and post it or to check Facebook, he shoots you and with a stupid smirk of sufficiency he says "come on, too" ?, making you feel like a thirteen year old struggling with Super Mario.

At this point you can promptly answer him: “make me this semblance of a real conversation more interesting than the virtual one and let go of my phone immediately. But first, let me take a picture and finish my pizza in peace. Ah, and get out of sight, please."

6. At the end of the meal he dwells on chatting about silly things

Okay, the wine has melted your tongue and he attacks with stories of past life that you don't give a damn about, plus you find it annoying to sit for hours when the meal is over and the waiters ask you for the fifth time if everything was okay good to let you know that it is time to get sick.

When he then attacks with the last birthday party of the little ones at his ex-wife's house, you plant a burp in his face as a signal. If he survives, he will have realized that even jokes are better than family sagas.

7. Pay him

And this is all well and good. Too bad he pays pompously, with an air of satisfaction that he hadn't even given you a holiday in Dubai for a whole month all inclusive.

Careful, dude, a paid account doesn't give you who knows what extra points. So, for now, let the thanks be enough, and when you have learned to let me eat in peace … we will talk about it!