Table of contents:
- 5. THE EMBARRED ONE BUYING CONDOMS
- 4. THE DISTRACT THAT FORGETS TO PRICE FRUIT AND / OR VEGETABLES
- 3. THE COMODIST WHO FIRST PACKS EVERYTHING AND THEN, ONLY AT THE END, PAYS
- 2. THE USAIN BOLT SNAPPING AT THE ANNOUNCEMENT "CASH CASH 6 OPENS"
- 1. THE UNCONSCIOUS SUPERIOR
Video: Supermarkets: 5 types of humans who meet in line at the checkout
2024 Author: Cody Thornton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-16 12:26
I have a passion for observing the supermarket fauna. Don't ask me why, this magical place where Homo Sapiens Sapiens pours every day to hunt unarmed food gives free rein to behavioral tics of all kinds.
You could write essays or novels about it. It is no coincidence that David Foster Wallace took a cue from the time of shopping at the end of an exhausting and neurotic day at work to write one of his most touching lyrics, most touching lyrics stuff that should be taught in schools.
One of the topical moments for wildlife observation, certainly due to the fixed nature of the scene, is the queue at the cash desks.
Between the beeps of the recorders that punctuate the crazy consumption electrocardiogram and the cashiers who repeat Ha La Carta Fidaty? with an automatic tone, human typologies emerge that seem to have a life of their own, authentic theatrical masks that have the great limelight in that space-time arc.
In short, these are five cute little animals that at least once in your life you will have crossed paths (or that at least once some of you have impersonated):
5. THE EMBARRED ONE BUYING CONDOMS
The most harmless and least irritating of the lot.
Affected by tender social shyness, he hides the package under the Spic & Span and the slices, three tubes of Spuntì and a supply of natural life during Saikebon. The package is like a toad under a stone, hidden by layers and layers of other stuff that it has taken with the sole purpose of hiding: in reality it doesn't need anything.
He flaunts confidence as if it were The Most Normal Thing In The World - and so it should be - we just need a selfless whistle, but when the cashier snatches up on the crime, his face lights up, vermilion like a traffic light.
As a rule, he puts the balloons in the bag quickly and earns the exit at a brisk pace, leaving behind a trail of steaming floor, it goes so fast.
4. THE DISTRACT THAT FORGETS TO PRICE FRUIT AND / OR VEGETABLES
And that when the cashier places him in front of the oblivion made by handing him the bag, he scratches his head, tries to understand how it is possible, stammers something swallowing whole syllables and looks around looking for the support of the rest of the line in which everyone has the monolithic gaze of the Moai of Easter Island. Moai of Easter Island.
He lingers and perhaps hopes that a barcode will magically emerge thanks to a clever tricksy, but it doesn't.
To which, enlightened by the intuition I go and go back, he goes but it takes an eon to come back because in the heat he makes a mistake, he touches the scales as well as enters all the aisles of the supermarket and goes through all the checkouts before re-materializing in the right one with the perfect slip affixed to the bag.
Help yourself that God helps you.
3. THE COMODIST WHO FIRST PACKS EVERYTHING AND THEN, ONLY AT THE END, PAYS
He is thrifty and distributes items by weight and mass in different bags.
The cashier has already said I'm € 89.70, he continues undaunted to put things in two hundred bags and the cashier is there staring at him waiting for me to hand him some cash or an ATM card and he pours the pasta from a shopping bag to a 'other and the cashier there motionless like a crystallized frame of a silent film and in the queue there are those who snort softly, those who scratch the tip of their nose and those who unload their anxiety by moving their knees to the rhythm of imaginary songs.
Only when ALL the items are placed in bags whose weights are well proportioned, he decides to pay. And maybe he doesn't remember the PIN of the ATM, which he will go to exhume from the notes on the phone.
Calm down, huh, take it easy, please.
2. THE USAIN BOLT SNAPPING AT THE ANNOUNCEMENT "CASH CASH 6 OPENS"
Centometrist of opportunism and specialized in the embezzlement of precedence that does not belong to him.
As soon as the cashier utters the magic formula of 3-Words-3 from the box down there, she sprints towards the finish line, discarding individuals who do not have the same dexterity in making their way to the sound of cart shots.
He arrives and slaps everything on the reel and if you dare to point out that the line was different, he is able to give lessons on Who Last Arrives Evil Lodges.
Born trader.
1. THE UNCONSCIOUS SUPERIOR
Here we enter the Attempted Murder area (and move on to the first-person narrative, sorry).
The he or she in question arrives and joins me but then, with obscure movements more similar to a silent hypnotic dance, he manages to unmark himself and gain, step by step, those centimeters necessary to overcome me.
Out of the corner of his eye he keeps my silhouette under control, which for him-or-her is a nice mobile hardcover, and when, with a cough and extreme politeness, I say Sir / Madam, Excuse me, She Was After Me, an angelic and innocent face stands out in front of me and brays on me an Oh, Forgive Me, I Didn't See You, If You Want It Can Pass.
Didn't you see me? If I want, can I pass? And the part about the golden unicorns playing trump with a basilisk when it arrives?
Choked with a salatino.
Anyone missing?
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